Why I'm doing this.

i do it not because i'm a glory hound. I'm not seeking that next rush of adrenaline or bragging rights. I'm not doing it because it makes me look like so much more. I'm doing it out of love.
I did not have to go. I could have stayed home and made sure everything was fine. We could have gone ahead with our way of life. not really going anywhere but content with the way things were going.
But I VOLUNTEERED for this. I willingly took another year out of my life, away from my wife and my children so that I could provide for them. I love them so much that I risk EVERYTHING so that my family can have a chance to better their quality of life. start over. I do this because I love them.
I hate every minute of it. being away from the wife I love so much and who loves me back with equal ferocity. being away from the three kids I left behind, missing birthdays and first words. first steps.
I mean, would YOU do this for somebody else? would YOU take another chance like this just so the ones you hold most dear can live better? be more secure? probably not.
thats how much I love them. I did not have to go. I had until the last minute to change my mind. but they deserve another chance at a better future. so, despite the circumstances of everything I took a giant step into an uncertain future hoping that when i return the wife I love is still there waiting for me, and the children I cherish will be proud of me one day.
I hate every second of it. I dont want it to be all for nothing. despite my feelings I soldier along and trust in hope and god that all will be well upon my return.

Let's look at my current situation. I have never been home sick during my other deployments. I'm still in the training phase of this one and I'm going insane. I have been fighting a bout of depression that leaves me unable to sleep at night. The weather is 42 degree's right now and getting colder. it's not going to get above 48 degree's anytime soon despite what the forecast says. We have been here for about a month and have had three days of sunlight. it's been raining for weeks straight. add the cold and you have a recipe for discomfort. My skin is pasty white and wrinkled. I cant stop shaking. I have a roof over my head at the moment but it leaks on my bed. Sometimes i get to eat, but not often. We spend hours upon hours in the wet, running around or standing around or doing whatever our training requires. Tomorrow when I wake up there is not going to be a matter of putting on dry clothes because nothing I have is dry. It's just a matter of finding the uniform that is least wet. even my wet weather gear is wet from the inside out. The weight of all my gear with weapons and ammo is about 85 pounds. after standing in the rain for hours on end you can add another 20 pounds due to everything getting wet. All this added with the responsibilities of a team leader.
But I don't complain. I have a reason for doing this. my personal motivation is a higher cause. The love I have for my family. It's all for them. So I soldier on. Hoping that everything back home is fine without me. hopeing that they are able to carry on but at the same time hoping that they miss me. Hoping they do the right things. Hopeing my wife still loves me enough to want me around when I return.

This is my wife......

And I really fuckin love her.

It has to hurt if it is to heal.

Feel like ass today. really down. I have not been this depressed in years. I find it rather annoying.

It's raining like the apacolypse and I had to spend a good chunk of time standing in it. I usually dont mind the rain but it kind of sucks when you only have one pair of boots that has a whole the exact size and shape of a whales vagina. oh, and no wet weather bottoms. dry up from the knees up. the thing is, I will probably get my new boots and wet weather gear today. after the rain stops. and it will never rain again once i have the things i need to battle the weather.


One of my soldiers sprang his ankle when he was running back to the bay at night and a rabbit ran across his front. Im not sure if he stepped on it or he tried to avoid it or perhaps he was attacked, either way the end result is a spranged ankle. Damn combat bunnies. they should have been mentioned in the enemy situation section of our op order. or the risk assesment at least. I had no idea they were so organized.


Another one of the soldiers in my team lost an item. His weapon. really? How the hell do you do that? actually, someone tried to steal it. we were on lock down like shaw shank but without the sadomy. The weapon was found hidden in the ceiling tiles of the latrine.

We have all come to believe that someon is out to get the C.O releaved of command. probably one of the staff fucks.

the best day ever!

So. yesterday we get done with our training in the field. but for some reason we had to sit there in the hot sun for another four hours because someone decided we didnt have enough time to make it back to to the chow hall. by the time they arrived with our food we could have eaten three times over. oh, and they forgot the serving utensils and drinks. not only that but half the cases of food were empty. Go army.

WHY?

If first formation is not until 0600 then why in the hell is wake up at 0400? Dairy farmers don't get up this early. And now I have two hours of nothing to do.

Bolts, Bolt cutters and heart ache.

   Since we have been here at fort riley about eight people have locked thier lockers with the keys to the locks inside. i believe six of them have been in the same bay as me. it seemed every five minutes somebody is hauling a pair of of bolt cutters down the aisle to open a locker. One guy came back from the taking the shower only to find that one of his buddies had locked his locker for him. with the keys to his lock and his clothes inside. Meaning he had to spend the next 20 minutes running around naked while looking for the bolt cutters.

   One of my soldiers lost the bolt to his rifle. Don't ask, I really don't want to get into it. The result? Not getting to bed until 3am while we dumped all of our bags, emptied our wall lockers and turned our bunks inside uot three or four times. then the M.P's and the police and tried to take him away for neglect of government property. he did not go to jail but i'm sure it will be awhile before he lilves it down.

   There is this brand new fresh out of the box private in 3rd platoon that is going through a bit of depression. He broke up with his cheating girlfriend. I feel for the guy, I really do. It's bad enough to have to deal with all this bullshit to have the one person you are supposed to trust doing things behind your back. there is always one every deployment. The bad thing is he has been sleeping with his rifle lately. Probably not a good sign. Maybe I should sleep with my I.B.A on.

Sweet dreams, sugar britches.

   So last night I finally get to talk to wife online after days of playing on line tag with no dice. Then at 10:33 pm after just beggining my conversation I hear a voice. Not just any voice. Not a human voice. But a voice that not only produced sound but also produced hate, discontent and souless destruction. It was our C.O. "Gooo tooo sleeep" He says to me in the same way I tell my six year old to go to bed. This guy was actually going around and telling people it was bedtime. I'm 30 years old, married with three kids. For all porposes I am an adult. I have responsabilities. The last thing I, as a grown man, needs is another grown man telling me when to go to bed. This deployment is going to be micromanaged so much that command is actually going to tuck us in at night.
   I was so pissed that instead of going to bed at about 10:45 like I had planned I did not get to sleep until about 1 am because all I could think about was how retarded of a thing that was to do. Maybe I should go knock on the C.O's door at two in the morning and ask for a drink of water. Or sneak into his bed at three am and wisper into his ear "I had a bad dream, can I sleep with you?" because that's what my six year old does and that is how I feel like I was just treated.