Why I'm doing this.

i do it not because i'm a glory hound. I'm not seeking that next rush of adrenaline or bragging rights. I'm not doing it because it makes me look like so much more. I'm doing it out of love.
I did not have to go. I could have stayed home and made sure everything was fine. We could have gone ahead with our way of life. not really going anywhere but content with the way things were going.
But I VOLUNTEERED for this. I willingly took another year out of my life, away from my wife and my children so that I could provide for them. I love them so much that I risk EVERYTHING so that my family can have a chance to better their quality of life. start over. I do this because I love them.
I hate every minute of it. being away from the wife I love so much and who loves me back with equal ferocity. being away from the three kids I left behind, missing birthdays and first words. first steps.
I mean, would YOU do this for somebody else? would YOU take another chance like this just so the ones you hold most dear can live better? be more secure? probably not.
thats how much I love them. I did not have to go. I had until the last minute to change my mind. but they deserve another chance at a better future. so, despite the circumstances of everything I took a giant step into an uncertain future hoping that when i return the wife I love is still there waiting for me, and the children I cherish will be proud of me one day.
I hate every second of it. I dont want it to be all for nothing. despite my feelings I soldier along and trust in hope and god that all will be well upon my return.

Let's look at my current situation. I have never been home sick during my other deployments. I'm still in the training phase of this one and I'm going insane. I have been fighting a bout of depression that leaves me unable to sleep at night. The weather is 42 degree's right now and getting colder. it's not going to get above 48 degree's anytime soon despite what the forecast says. We have been here for about a month and have had three days of sunlight. it's been raining for weeks straight. add the cold and you have a recipe for discomfort. My skin is pasty white and wrinkled. I cant stop shaking. I have a roof over my head at the moment but it leaks on my bed. Sometimes i get to eat, but not often. We spend hours upon hours in the wet, running around or standing around or doing whatever our training requires. Tomorrow when I wake up there is not going to be a matter of putting on dry clothes because nothing I have is dry. It's just a matter of finding the uniform that is least wet. even my wet weather gear is wet from the inside out. The weight of all my gear with weapons and ammo is about 85 pounds. after standing in the rain for hours on end you can add another 20 pounds due to everything getting wet. All this added with the responsibilities of a team leader.
But I don't complain. I have a reason for doing this. my personal motivation is a higher cause. The love I have for my family. It's all for them. So I soldier on. Hoping that everything back home is fine without me. hopeing that they are able to carry on but at the same time hoping that they miss me. Hoping they do the right things. Hopeing my wife still loves me enough to want me around when I return.